hotrod strait to ………

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I usually write when there is something tugging at my emotions, it usually feels like a giant clubbing my chest, threatening to bludgeon the life out of me.
But today i feel i have nothing to say! Something is pounding on my chest though, but i cant quite grasp what it is.
Every day i live like I’m on the brink of midlife crisis or as I always love to put it my, “every day mid life crisis” where yesterday was the first day of my life and today is the last. I remember thinking this as far back as my teens. Living like that as you could imagine is fairly strenuous emotionally and practically. Emotionally Im questioning everything even down to the simplest things like what to eat, its a great pressure bearing down on me like extreme gravity. Practically its difficult because I’m always wondering if what I’m doing is the most important thing i could be doing which makes having a nine to five job hard. Im not motivated by money or by status or love most of the time, i cant even think what it is that really motivates me but the general feeling is that every thing that i choose for myself out of my greatest of epiphanies is a waste of time. Not linear time but eternal.
Eternal, eternity, forever, are words that worry me the most. I cant presume that anything that i ever do or think is great enough to matter in those terms because I’m not really that great. But the truth is that in my weakest most useless state who i am and what i do is critically connected to eternity. Which makes me feel like every decision, about things like who to include on my birthday party list or who i forget to say hi to at the church service on sunday is life or death. Its like driving down the road and seeing all the bits of paper on the sides of the road or peoples faces as i speed past them all the time while checking the speedometer every five seconds, my mirrors, listening to the motor for changes in tone for any signs of a breakdown, making sure I’m in the right gear and that my hands are in the correct position to make a last minute swerve just incase i hit that pothole that i didn’t notice till the last second so i don’t damage the suspension which would cost more than i can afford to fix which would make me have to rely on public transport till i can scrape the money to fix the car………………aaahhhh.
People tell me I’m a passionate person, this is the cost! Unending vigilance! Because all we have to invest in i believe, is our own and each others Eternity.
Immortals! Two kinds, ones headed strait down route 66 in a hotrod strait to hell and the others the great mountain road shifting gears in a sharp handling european super-car bound for heaven. (What can i say i love driving.) Either way, we all have an eternal future and thats what’s ultimately important.
Frame of reference  is a funny thing. When i came back from Thailand where i spent time in orphanages, it was hard to even have a hot shower knowing that the four hundred kids back in Thailand where id been had never had one ever. So what I’m saying is if i look at heaven then look around down hear i have a different perspective, but if all i do is spend my time noticing all the things going on down here thats the only thing i have to compare things to.
Keep looking up!

corey e sleap

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