i am my own enemy

Try to detect it!

iammyownenemy — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 12:54:53 +0000

Maybe the reason we don’t do more in our community as a church is because we can’t sustain it. Imagine how much worse of someone who has been rejected all their lives will be if we don’t follow through on our commitment.
I think that maybe God doesn’t advance us to the next level because we haven’t proved ourselves worthy or committed. You know like in a video game when you stick at the level your on and push forward your rewarded with the prize, more commitment.
This week I have been thinking about other religions. The ones that seem to always be knocking on your door or the ones out there feeding people. If you believe what I believe, those people are doing all that they are doing in their own strength. No help from divine sources, no spiritual energy and they seem to still be getting way more done than me or most of the Christians I know. I don’t have a point that’s just a statement.
I’m not happy where I’m at! There you have it the truth. I don’t even know what I want or where I want to be in 5 years. I feel like I just need to push harder for the sake of pushing harder. Maybe it comes from being a creative person, it’s always an uphill battle, a passionate slog that leads to creation. Songs, photos, sketches, it’s being progressive that’s important.
Go forward move ahead whip it good.
Corex

Politeness is destroying stuff.

iammyownenemy — Mon, 18 May 2009 08:50:52 +0000

The best thing about going to a church service is that I can sit here and listen and feel convicted buy the sermon and want to change but I can walk out of the building and keep on sinning because people won’t ask me about it. It all comes back to the whole transparency thing. No one asks me to raise my hand infront of people to admit my sin, no one checks our download folder or asks us if we got angry. Because of politeness because of fear of stepping on someones toes. I have to say I don’t agree with the kind of social grace that causes separation and isolation.

Bo Ho THey don’t play my favorite music!

iammyownenemy — Fri, 01 May 2009 07:52:53 +0000

I’ve spent the last six years in a church that doesn’t cater to me.
A strange thing to say I know, because I’m totally surrounded by people who love me like family, my pastor is one of the greatest men I have ever met, all my friends are creative and strong, these amongst other things are what I really have been searching for all my life.
Coming from a family that are nice people but disfunctional, I chased many things to fill the void and along the way God has been slowly revolutionizing my thinking about family and people and the meaning of life.
The answer to life the universe be everything! Not 42. Is relationship.
I don’t like the music, we meet in a gym, most people aren’t like me, we only have a morning service (I hate getting up in the morning), the sound gear is terrible, there’s not a home group for creative, Da Vinci type thinkers who like nirvana and nine inch nails, and drink green tea while smoking a pipe. But who cares!

Glass houses and plastic surgery.

iammyownenemy — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 04:11:13 +0000

We the Church have some universal prejudices. One in my culture is plastic surgery.
How different is covering up the truth about our skin from the covering up of our sin or even just the truth about who I really am?
It’s totally crazy to me that the only group of people that I should be able to be honest with are it seems the best at being dishonest! Why aren’t we as disgusted by our lack of transparency as we are at the vanity of plastic skin, to be honest it doesn’t compute for me, the ones and Zeros on my brain do not have a pattern for this kind of thinking. It’s totally bizarre!
The very key to a fulfilled life is connection to other people, how can I have that when nobody knows the truth about me? How can people trust you when you hold all the ammunition which is what happens when you know all about someone else and they know nothing of the truth about you? Or even worse we are all just hiding behind storefronts that say “Lovely biscuits” on the outside but on the inside there are some sweet things but all kinds of other stuff not so nice, no one really ever knows the truth.
I’ve come to a point in life where I realize that the best way to see yourself is reflected in Jesus and His people, like it says in the bible “iron sharpens iron”.
So what I’m saying is expose the metal so we can all sharpen each other.

corey

hotrod strait to ………

iammyownenemy — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 02:07:17 +0000

I usually write when there is something tugging at my emotions, it usually feels like a giant clubbing my chest, threatening to bludgeon the life out of me.
But today i feel i have nothing to say! Something is pounding on my chest though, but i cant quite grasp what it is.
Every day i live like I’m on the brink of midlife crisis or as I always love to put it my, “every day mid life crisis” where yesterday was the first day of my life and today is the last. I remember thinking this as far back as my teens. Living like that as you could imagine is fairly strenuous emotionally and practically. Emotionally Im questioning everything even down to the simplest things like what to eat, its a great pressure bearing down on me like extreme gravity. Practically its difficult because I’m always wondering if what I’m doing is the most important thing i could be doing which makes having a nine to five job hard. Im not motivated by money or by status or love most of the time, i cant even think what it is that really motivates me but the general feeling is that every thing that i choose for myself out of my greatest of epiphanies is a waste of time. Not linear time but eternal.
Eternal, eternity, forever, are words that worry me the most. I cant presume that anything that i ever do or think is great enough to matter in those terms because I’m not really that great. But the truth is that in my weakest most useless state who i am and what i do is critically connected to eternity. Which makes me feel like every decision, about things like who to include on my birthday party list or who i forget to say hi to at the church service on sunday is life or death. Its like driving down the road and seeing all the bits of paper on the sides of the road or peoples faces as i speed past them all the time while checking the speedometer every five seconds, my mirrors, listening to the motor for changes in tone for any signs of a breakdown, making sure I’m in the right gear and that my hands are in the correct position to make a last minute swerve just incase i hit that pothole that i didn’t notice till the last second so i don’t damage the suspension which would cost more than i can afford to fix which would make me have to rely on public transport till i can scrape the money to fix the car………………aaahhhh.
People tell me I’m a passionate person, this is the cost! Unending vigilance! Because all we have to invest in i believe, is our own and each others Eternity.
Immortals! Two kinds, ones headed strait down route 66 in a hotrod strait to hell and the others the great mountain road shifting gears in a sharp handling european super-car bound for heaven. (What can i say i love driving.) Either way, we all have an eternal future and thats what’s ultimately important.
Frame of reference is a funny thing. When i came back from Thailand where i spent time in orphanages, it was hard to even have a hot shower knowing that the four hundred kids back in Thailand where id been had never had one ever. So what I’m saying is if i look at heaven then look around down hear i have a different perspective, but if all i do is spend my time noticing all the things going on down here thats the only thing i have to compare things to.
Keep looking up!

corey e sleap

Why don’t we just go out and get a 9mm pistol.

iammyownenemy — Wed, 07 May 2008 14:05:44 +0000

OK just in case you don’t know there are places all over the world where people are in slavery. They say that the amount of people in slavery at the moment in the world is more than in the whole three hundred years of African slave trading, twenty seven million! They say that more than half of them are children.
Just read that again please.
Many of these slave children are forced into child prostitution. Full stop.
So heres what I’m saying. Buy a ticket to any country you can think of particularly where people are poor, go down to the market, but a gun and lets start cleaning out the pimps. If you are a christian you don’t have to worry about going to hell just going to jail so be smart.
And before all of you good loving people start commenting and giving me biblical advice, i don’t care what you have to say unless you are doing something better about it. I will delete all your pointless comments and opinions, for too long the church has been in politics its time to go into battle.
corey

READ THIS WITH YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR EARS AND IMAGINE IM SCREAMING IT IN YOUR FACE.

iammyownenemy — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 13:40:20 +0000

YOU DONT WANT TO LISTEN BECAUSE IM SCREAMING BUT YOU JUST CANT STOP YOURSELF!

Stick your head in the sand, nobody acknowledge the reality, the truth, the blazing message in the sky that people are being exploited all over the world, tortured, murdered, raped.
Those words finishing the last sentence are common words! Words that we hear on the news every day or in all kinds of media. Hell iv even heard the word rape use as a word to describe how one soccer team defeated the other. Words have no meaning any more! Like many words! I’m angry! They just mean nothing, neither do the photos or the video footage on the TV showing us the millions of Africans being slaughtered by A.I.D.S, because we don’t care! Hey i don’t really care! Because if i did i would have gone back immediately and sold my WRX and put my hand to the plough never to look back at the expense of my family my livelihood my health and everything that is important to me because it tells me everywhere in the bible to freaking well do that! IN FAITH.
We don’t need faith we can do everything ourselves! Hey christians! We don’t need God to feed us we do it ourselves. Iv heard that sermon preached!
Back to the word rape! When i say that word the things that come to mind, the context that i use that word is this-

If you’ve made it this far then heres your last chance to close firefox or explorer now because heres where it gets offensive and really ugly.

Rape. A three year old girl is carried into a dirty germ infested room full of maggots, their is blood on the mattress and on the floor old dirty used condoms are strewn every where. The girl is left in the room alone for a moment while her aunt goes to find her customer.
She brings the customer into the room and leaves locking the door. The little girl is “raped”.

That happens. I’m sorry but I’m not having any kids until the last one is rescued. I’m sorry but this is not going to be a silent matter anymore. I’m sorry because every conversation i have from now on is going to lead to this discussion even if all my friends hate me i don’t care, nothing apart from loving God and enjoying Him forever is more important than this. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

I’M NOT SORRY!

I am so angry i want to scream and stay up for a week to punish myself for being soft and faithless.

corey

i realy am my own enemy

iammyownenemy — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 12:01:07 +0000

So in the last year iv recorded countless bands (actually i could count them but i cant be stuffed, it s a lot) iv written some songs that i like and more that i don’t. Iv been all over Australia again, doing different things like music, mixing bands, recording bands and visiting friends and family.
Iv played a show in-front of twenty or so thousand people on one night. Iv gotten into hundreds of bands, iv hated more than that many (some of them bands iv worked for).
In this year iv had millions of conversations, pissed of everyone i know, picked fights with strangers, broken things, quit one job (or… strategically fired).
Iv realized dreams, been admired, admired others, decided many things about people i don’t know, been excited about more things than i can remember.
Iv read the whole Harry Potter series, lonely planet guide to Nepal and not much of the bible.
Iv bought too much crap, eaten too much food, sworn too many times (i even said the c word).
Iv smoked my pipe too much, sung too little and driven too fast.
Iv defended myself, gotten very angry, cried, blamed other people for my shit, wished i was dead, loved to be alive and done very little exercise.
Iv been on a missions trip to Thailand, said goodnight to hundreds of kids in one night, eaten things i cant pronounce the names of and come home wising i could leave forever.
I’m sick of this list basically most of what i can remember is crap and its no ones fault but my own.

Na I don’t realty believe that.

Theres no place like home?

iammyownenemy — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 15:39:01 +0000

So heres the deal i went back to work tonight for the first time since iv been back from Thailand! A bunch of our youth, my wife and some other young people from our church and I were there to experience the culture and help build a dormitory at an orphanage.
picture if you will 500 children all between the ages of 4 and 16 all living together, working together and playing will little supervision. you would probably conjure pictures of total chaos but that would be far from true.
Now picture me in a small pub mixing a great band making music for um drunk people.
For two weeks i felt like i was living for a real purpose and tonight i realized that iv been working for an industry that consumes people.
I don’t know what to think really but right now i wish i was back with the children in the orphanage.
corey

to die is gain? hell yes!

iammyownenemy — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 14:46:40 +0000

The more I get closer to God the more I want to be where He is. The more I learn about the kingdom of heaven the more I want to be out of this place. I want to write songs about being an alien. I don’t feel secure anymore.
I can imagine a great deal! If my imagination can only scrape the surface of the unfathomable depths of the realities of God then I will be forever discontent.
Don’t get me wrong I love my family and friends. I also have ambitions and dreams and things I want to do, but it feels like being in a waiting room twiddling my thumbs filling in time before I go in.
I don’t want to rely on anything in this world; I don’t want to let myself be lured into a false sense of the importance of my existence in this reality. Yes we have a mandate as Christians but God could do it without my help He would just use someone else. And I don’t want to get out of my responsibilities, im happy to stay here for now!

I am not a unique snowflake God didn’t just die for me but for the whole world.
I am expendable like a soldier, and more useful this way! Anything that could chain me down, stop me running, anything that would make me too afraid to jump if I was told to is a hindrance.
The chief end of man is to love God and enjoy Him forever. Even if I were in jail or in pain or dieing from cancer and He didn’t heal me.
If these were my last words I would write God I want to be with you in heaven today.
corex